as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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