i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
