Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
