I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
