I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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