Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
