Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
