Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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