it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
