Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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