and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
