by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
