Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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