i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
