I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
