Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
