So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
