Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
