While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
