All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
