if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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