My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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