what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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