where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
