The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
