The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
