turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
