She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
