I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
