Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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