Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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