life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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