My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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