I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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