i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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