oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
