I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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