He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
