all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
