literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just pynch a tree in the face
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
