If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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