she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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