I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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