bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
