im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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