he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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