The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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