we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
