2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
