why didn't you poke me back
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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