You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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