I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
