Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry my hands just texted you
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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