Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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