made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
