Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
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