I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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