guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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