Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
